Confirmed: Spider-Man Reboot Going Back to Elementary School

This article is satire, do not quote this as real.

According to insider sources, Sony’s upcoming Spider-Man trilogy will be taking the franchise back to primary school. Casting is underway for Peter Parker and Principal J. Jonah Jameson, but the rumor mill is churning with big Hollywood names. Asked about why the changes were necessary, director Marc Webb told reporters, “We want to keep the literary integrity of the story as strong as possible while shooting ourselves in the foot by running a franchise into the ground in a way only Hollywood can.”

Two front-runners to play Peter Parker are Max Records (Where the Wild Things Are) and a digital character similar to Astroboy. It’s unclear if the Jim Henson company will still be designing the Gwen Stacy animatronic costume. Comedian Conan O’Brien has denied rumors he will play hardened Principal Jameson, but may make a cameo appearance as a substitute who teaches for almost seven months. Some other changes to the story include Peter’s spider bite on the monkey bars, fighting Doctor Octopus for talking while Jinxed, and becoming vulnerable to the alien symbiote due to lack of Cootie vaccine. As a fan of Hollywood adaptions, I can tell you this is shaping up great, but what are your thoughts on the new twist to the story?