Today we introduce a new segment we have titled Fanflash. Our staff of writers enjoy writing original articles, so when you see the Fanflash title, you will know what to expect. We enjoy writing funny, creative, and unique articles that are relevant to pop culture. Today, Jordan Tunney has compiled a list of Nicolas Cages’ roles that were bad because he had long hair. Sounds crazy, but Jordan may be on to something. Check it out and we hope you enjoy Fanflash!
By Jordan Tunney
March 10, 2009
Film Equation: Nicolas Cage + Long Hair = Bad Movie
The following is a list of films which Nicolas Cage had long hair in; and while we are not completely sure there is a direct correlation between hair and performance, these movies were just plain awful. It does appear there is a connection between Cage’s long locks and bad movies. Of course, there are a few exceptions to this equation. Continue reading to check out the worst of Nic Cage.
Peggy Sue Got Married (1986)
I’ve always thought Kathleen Turner was actually a man. If this were the case, this movie would have been more interesting.
Vampire’s Kiss (1988)
“Ok Nic, we have an idea for a movie…you have an encounter with a vampire…then you think you’re becoming one…oh, well there’s you and then the girl from Flashdance…yes, we’ll pay you as much as we can…”
Snake Eyes (1998)
Have you ever gone to watch a boxing match, and the Secretary of Defense is assassinated? You might be a shady and moderately corrupt cop, but you’ll get to the bottom of it. Oh, and the woman who is supposed to blend in but actually stands out like a Jew in a Mel Gibson movie, is involved somehow. Your military friend has to be involved somehow. And the boxing match is fixed.
Ghost Rider (2007)
When I was 4, a magician at a birthday party fooled me. He put a rabbit into a hat, but when he showed it to us, there was no rabbit in the hat. Now, all grown up, I have never allowed myself to be tricked again. So when Nic did Ghost Rider and was supposed to look younger then he was in It Could Happen to You, flashes of that rabbit made me tremble. Bad hair, bad hare.
I’ll be the first to admit, I never actually saw this movie. I’m pretty sure what happened was myself in the future successfully prevented me from seeing it, and therein, saved humanity.
Bangkok Dangerous (2008)
Does anyone else feel the “Hitman has a change of heart about his occupation and begins to protect those who he normally wouldn’t care about” cliché has been a tad bit overused? They have their own genre on the wall at my Blockbuster.
As with all math equations, there are always exceptions (therefore, I didn’t deserve a D in Geometry, Mr. Daniels). Nicolas Cage movies that involve him having long hair typically aren’t good films, but the exception to the rule is facial hair. Therefore:
Nicolas Cage + Long Hair + Facial Hair = Good Movie
Raising Arizona (1987)
Good move, great mustache. An early score for the Cohen Brothers, Cage joined a great cast that cemented his status as a great actor.
Con Air (1997)
Remember Con Air? It’s that movie where all the bad guys have nicknames. If I were an ex-con, my nickname would be Jordan “Rocky Road” Tunney, mostly because I’ve always pushed for better road construction. Con Air had awesome action, a great villain, and Las Vegas. What more could anyone want?
With the release of Knowing just days away, what can Nic fans look forward too? Well the equation suggests the movie isn’t going to be very good, but who knows, math isn’t an exact science right?